I Set Fire to the Rain - I Set Fire to my Inner Demons

Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBcMKwbMEcQ

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me


My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too week
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet


But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win


But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name


When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better


'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win


But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name


I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time


Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming our your name, your name


I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die 
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh


I was inspired tonight on my run at the gym.  I had already been running for close to an hour and I was starting to lose steam when this song came on my mix and it spoke to me.  The song is talking about a relationship between two people - assumed to be lovers - but my interpretation was my relationship with myself. 


I have been trying on and off to lose weight now for so many years.  Even in high school and college, I hated myself and felt fat, ugly, unworthy, and every other demeaning adjective I could find.  As I have aged, I have come to love parts of myself in small ways.  I love my eyelashes, I love my hair, I love my smile, and I have even begun to love my curves.  But as soon as I start feeling good about myself, those old demons in my head call out to me and tell me that I cannot achieve what I want - that I am fat, ugly, unworthy, an embarrassment and a disgrace.  This has been especially true of my weight loss.  My inner demons cause me to sabotage myself and every time my willpower slips, I hear them calling out to me - "See, I told you you couldn't do it.  Go hide in the corner with a bag of cheetos!"


But tonight at the gym, I set fire to those demons and found a renewed sense of energy to prove them wrong - to sweat them out with everything that I had.  Since I couldn't very well scream the lyrics of this song while running like a mad woman in the middle of the gym, I belted it out silently while thrashing around on my elliptical.  While I am sure some of the folks around me were thinking, "OMG - that girl is totally crazy.  What the heck is she doing?", I was convincing myself that they were really saying, "Wow, look at her go.  Wonder what she is listening to that gives her that kind of inspiration?"... A girl can dream right?


In any case, after I heard the song once, I had to put it on repeat for the rest of my workout, for my ride home, and again as I frantically type in this blog.  And while I have shared with you my inner demons in regards to my weight loss, it is just one of many of my inner demons that prevent me from things in life.


But one by one, I will overcome.  I am determined to be successful; I am determined to realize and appreciate my inner beauty; I am determined to get healthy so my husband and I can start thinking about starting a family; I am determined to sweat out all my inner demons that tell me I am not strong enough, smart enough, responsible enough, worthy enough, desirable enough.  


And when times get tough - and I find myself waking up by the door looking for those inner demons, I will blast this song and set fire to the rain.