Today, I found out a man I went to school with was murdered. Shot and killed and disposed of on some random driveway - the police do not have any suspects nor any motives. Although I did not know him, I do remember him from high school and this heinous crime rocks me to my core.
Life is very fleeting and with our 10 year high school reunion looming on the horizon, it makes me take a moment to reflect.
I think about the plans, dreams, hopes, and lives we had for ourselves as children, as teens, and even the ones we have now. Have we accomplished all that we had set out to do? Will we ever accomplish it all? I think not only of David, but of my friend Tiffany, and of my husband's friend Eric. All three friends from high school. All three whose lives were cut too short. All three who will never realize and accomplish the hopes and dreams - the plans they had for their lives.
All three who will never make it to their 10 year high school reunion.
I remember recently talking to my dad after he had attended his 40th high school reunion. When I asked him how it was, he replied that it was sad. Every time they get together he finds that more of his friends, more of his former classmates, have had their lives cut short. Even at 60 years old, there is so much more life to be lived.
But, I never thought I would have so many of my own friends and former classmates pass away so soon - before we could even make it to this first of our high school reunions.
I guess that's why they say live life as if it were your last day... but that's not really realistic either. If I were to do that today, assuming that I do not die for another 50 years, I would run out of resources (mainly money) to support myself. I couldn't just quit my job today and travel the world without consequences...
There are no answers - no words - nothing else to say to fill the void, this pregnant pause
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I Set Fire to the Rain - I Set Fire to my Inner Demons
Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBcMKwbMEcQ
I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too week
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better
'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time
Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming our your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
I was inspired tonight on my run at the gym. I had already been running for close to an hour and I was starting to lose steam when this song came on my mix and it spoke to me. The song is talking about a relationship between two people - assumed to be lovers - but my interpretation was my relationship with myself.
I have been trying on and off to lose weight now for so many years. Even in high school and college, I hated myself and felt fat, ugly, unworthy, and every other demeaning adjective I could find. As I have aged, I have come to love parts of myself in small ways. I love my eyelashes, I love my hair, I love my smile, and I have even begun to love my curves. But as soon as I start feeling good about myself, those old demons in my head call out to me and tell me that I cannot achieve what I want - that I am fat, ugly, unworthy, an embarrassment and a disgrace. This has been especially true of my weight loss. My inner demons cause me to sabotage myself and every time my willpower slips, I hear them calling out to me - "See, I told you you couldn't do it. Go hide in the corner with a bag of cheetos!"
But tonight at the gym, I set fire to those demons and found a renewed sense of energy to prove them wrong - to sweat them out with everything that I had. Since I couldn't very well scream the lyrics of this song while running like a mad woman in the middle of the gym, I belted it out silently while thrashing around on my elliptical. While I am sure some of the folks around me were thinking, "OMG - that girl is totally crazy. What the heck is she doing?", I was convincing myself that they were really saying, "Wow, look at her go. Wonder what she is listening to that gives her that kind of inspiration?"... A girl can dream right?
In any case, after I heard the song once, I had to put it on repeat for the rest of my workout, for my ride home, and again as I frantically type in this blog. And while I have shared with you my inner demons in regards to my weight loss, it is just one of many of my inner demons that prevent me from things in life.
But one by one, I will overcome. I am determined to be successful; I am determined to realize and appreciate my inner beauty; I am determined to get healthy so my husband and I can start thinking about starting a family; I am determined to sweat out all my inner demons that tell me I am not strong enough, smart enough, responsible enough, worthy enough, desirable enough.
And when times get tough - and I find myself waking up by the door looking for those inner demons, I will blast this song and set fire to the rain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBcMKwbMEcQ
I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too week
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better
'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win
But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time
Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you
I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming our your name, your name
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
I was inspired tonight on my run at the gym. I had already been running for close to an hour and I was starting to lose steam when this song came on my mix and it spoke to me. The song is talking about a relationship between two people - assumed to be lovers - but my interpretation was my relationship with myself.
I have been trying on and off to lose weight now for so many years. Even in high school and college, I hated myself and felt fat, ugly, unworthy, and every other demeaning adjective I could find. As I have aged, I have come to love parts of myself in small ways. I love my eyelashes, I love my hair, I love my smile, and I have even begun to love my curves. But as soon as I start feeling good about myself, those old demons in my head call out to me and tell me that I cannot achieve what I want - that I am fat, ugly, unworthy, an embarrassment and a disgrace. This has been especially true of my weight loss. My inner demons cause me to sabotage myself and every time my willpower slips, I hear them calling out to me - "See, I told you you couldn't do it. Go hide in the corner with a bag of cheetos!"
But tonight at the gym, I set fire to those demons and found a renewed sense of energy to prove them wrong - to sweat them out with everything that I had. Since I couldn't very well scream the lyrics of this song while running like a mad woman in the middle of the gym, I belted it out silently while thrashing around on my elliptical. While I am sure some of the folks around me were thinking, "OMG - that girl is totally crazy. What the heck is she doing?", I was convincing myself that they were really saying, "Wow, look at her go. Wonder what she is listening to that gives her that kind of inspiration?"... A girl can dream right?
In any case, after I heard the song once, I had to put it on repeat for the rest of my workout, for my ride home, and again as I frantically type in this blog. And while I have shared with you my inner demons in regards to my weight loss, it is just one of many of my inner demons that prevent me from things in life.
But one by one, I will overcome. I am determined to be successful; I am determined to realize and appreciate my inner beauty; I am determined to get healthy so my husband and I can start thinking about starting a family; I am determined to sweat out all my inner demons that tell me I am not strong enough, smart enough, responsible enough, worthy enough, desirable enough.
And when times get tough - and I find myself waking up by the door looking for those inner demons, I will blast this song and set fire to the rain.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Road Trip USA Challenge
Travel awakens the soul, engages the spirit, and allows us to see things in a new and unusual way. It allows us not only to learn about new people, customs, cultures, and histories - but also allows us to interact, engage, and become a part of these amazing experiences. Travel teaches us tolerance, love, kindness, and joy.
But travel doesn't mean you have to trek across the globe! Yes, international travel is amazing and wonderful and I would love to see more of the world, but there are so many things to do, see, and enjoy in our backyard.
For as long as I can remember, I have traveled the open road. As a child, all of our family vacations involved packing up the car and driving 1000+ miles in a weekend. A short trip was usually 4-6 hours and the longest day I've ever spent in a car driving (or riding as a passenger) was 14 hours. I grew up in a time before televisions in cars, iPod, and handheld video games were used by parents to help distract their children; to help pass the time until you reach your destination. My parents taught me that the journey is the destination - that there are so many beautiful, wonderful, and amazing sights, people, attractions, and natural wonders that you'll miss unless you look out the window, pull off on that dirt road, and literally take the road less traveled.
My extended family is much the same way. Many of my aunts and uncles have traveled extensively throughout the United States and even some amazing destinations across the globe. Because of my upbringing and familial influences, it has been a personal challenge of mine, for as long as I can remember, to visit all 50 states.
Ok. First things first. With all great challenges, we must set parameters. In order for you (or me in this case) to count the state as being visited you must meet one of the following criteria:
1. You must do something in that state (go to a national park, go camping, take a hike, have dinner at a local diner, etc. (OR)
2. You must drive through the state for at least 1 hour - allowing you to observe and enjoy the wonders and beauty of said state.
These two parameters weed out the - well, I've been to the Atlanta airport a bunch of times, that means I can cross Georgia off the list. Um, I think not.
So where do I stack up? Here's a list of the 50 states (in alphabetical order no less) and whether I've been, plan to go in the near future, or haven't been to them yet. I've also included Washington D.C. at the bottom, because our nation's capital is not to be missed! I'll bold the states I've been to and mark them with an asterisk (*), I'll italicize and mark the states I plan to visit in the near future with a (^), and leave the states I've yet to visit blank.
And while you are here, check to see how you stack up too. Then plan a trip for the open road and explore... Bon Voyage!
Alabama
Alaska
Arizona - *
Arkansas
California - *
Colorado - *
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida - *
Georgia
Hawaii - *
Idaho - *
Illinois - *
Indiana - *
Iowa
Kansas - ^ (plan to visit on my Route 66 - Chicago and Back trip in May 2012)
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts - * (although all I did was drive through the state at night. It barely makes the list and I definitely need to return)
Michigan
Michigan
Minnesota - *
Mississippi
Missouri - *
Montana - *
Nebraska
Nevada - *
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico - *
New York - *
North Carolina
North Dakota - ^ (plan to visit on my Route 66 - Chicago and Back trip in May 2012)
Ohio - *
Oklahoma - ^ (plan to visit on my Route 66 - Chicago and Back trip in May 2012)
Oregon - *
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota - ^ (plan to visit on my Route 66 - Chicago and Back trip in May 2012)
Tennessee
Texas - *
Utah - *
Vermont
Virginia - *
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin - *
Wyoming - *
Washington D.C. - *
(To save you the trouble of counting up my *s and ^s, I have visited an amazing 22 states, with another 4 states to be added to the list within the next year and I have visited Washington D.C. )
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